Though I have many friends and many role models, but lately I feel like I am rejected. I am someone who can never handle rejection and am easily attached to people. I am not in any relationships because even though I would want one, but the fear of it ending, I could not emotional handle the break-up or rejection. This is where I differ from an Autistic spectrum person. I know how to have relationships, want them, but due to past rejections am afraid. I also have way too much empathy and sympathy, to a point where I feel bad for other to where I may want their suffering. I also am way too social and a leader. I have to take over everything because I feel that I have to be responsible for everyone. Even as a little girl, I would take the leadership role and was not afraid to speak up.
I sit here missing the best friends that I have made in my adulthood. Due to the situation I was in, I only was friends with staff members of my old program. Though many have face book, but some won't friend me. I felt very close to these people (the heads of that program different story). The reason was I was very isolated, unable to "get out" and meet people. I could have taken a walk and met people outside, but feared for my safety. I had the social skills, and am very social, but safety was my concern. But, I needed to be friends with "neurotypical" adults who understood how I felt and were able to care for me, like I would care for them. These staff members where the only friendships I could make. I hated that the "heads" of the agency did not allow this. That is what caused my depression and less of self-worth. I miss these people and would like to hang out social with them.
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